With one heart
We all bleed red
Dressed in different coloured pigments
And hair structures
We stand tall
We wear beautiful smiles
And we all cry the same
Our eye colour can be painted different
But we all use them to see
With our different ethnicities
Our world has become one beautiful place
Filled with never fading colour and culture
Why we wage war against other different pigmented people leaves me with emotional scars and a broken heart
Faith moves mountains.
That is what the man in front of me kept saying as I stared outside the window slowly fading in my thoughts.
Positive thinking should be an armour we wear, he continued.
Depression is a choice he said.
And after those words I was lost in my thoughts and unknowingly I asked what made it a choice?
So you lost a loved one or a pet, You can’t find a job for a few months and you claim to be depressed?
I felt everyone’s presence and I came back to reality.
Do you think I choose to be numb? To feel suicidal and succumb to the Darkness? To feel nothing? To pretend to have no affection and love for things?
To stay in bed for days and just sleep, failing to shower not because I cannot but because I have no energy too.
Constantly lying that I am okay?
Cancelling plans that I was excited about?
Being afraid of coming for help because I feel like I have become a burden?
Feeling worthless and useless?
Going from smiling to really blue or grumpy in a second?
To be overwhelmed with sadness that crying cannot comfort. To feel empty and have a void that nothing can fill.
Basically I am walking dead. Nothing excites or moves me.
Why would I choose that? I continued.
I stood up and walked to the exit, and before I walked out I looked back.
The most positive action I have taken is to be medicated and not ending my life. I would love it if someone appreciated that.
Sometimes the pain fades away
And sometimes it builds up
You pretend to be numb
But when the world sleeps
You turn off the lights and lock your door
Lay down on your bed or floor
Tears run down your cheeks
As you hold back mourns from gushing out of your mouth
Your heart hurts and you wonder how you never have a seizure
Some of you fight of a panic attack
It is too much to get other people engaged
You comfort yourself by saying it is your battle
Someone is seated outside your locked door
They do not know how to help
But they seat there hoping that one night
You will let them in
They wait for a day you will mourn in their arms
And the darkness won’t be so dark anymore
An apology not given
Voices raised and anger steamed
The house shook and overtook the silence
I sat been drawn to my demons
A hand was raised and the voices got louder
I held myself tighter imagining the scene
Fear engulfed me and my depression seeped through
And when silence fail
I had lost another peace of me
Tears run dry
Thoughts run wild
Prayers go unanswered
While my heart goes hopeless
A higher power I believe in
I trust and adore
Unbelief builds up
And a lost man I become
Yet a prayer I still sing
I got too close to her
And she meant the world to me
She become my religion
Her presence my idol
And her body became my temple
He smiled as he watched her dance.
Her childish nature completed his and he loved it.
She was going to be as old as he was and that excited her.
He waited for her moment to pass and walked towards her.
He wished her a happy birthday then sung for her and she loved it.
He kissed her forehead and held her tightly.
In that moment their silence spoke volumes.
As he held her tight
Her body drew itself closer to his
Their hearts beat in harmony and you could tell, that their young uncharted love was one people desired and wished for.
Sweet was her character and personality
And her presence was captivating and charming.
Seconds turning into minutes and minutes into hours
as her voice turned into sweet melodies.
Her presence gave me peace,
A place to belong.
She became home and more addictive than nicotine.
Her smile broke walls around my heart and fluttered my butterflies
Leaving me wanting more.
She was my escape from my world and she broke down my masks,
Making my demons scream and calming ravaging thoughts.
Oh, how I feel fast,
Leaving holes to fill and scars to tend.
I gaze at my phone hoping it’s a text or phone call
saying I want as much as you wanted me.
I yearn for her presence yet fear losing my mind when its all done.
Scars remain fresh,
Making them bleed again as we walk past with no words uttered.
Fearing eye contact and questions like how are you
While deep down tearing up again; wearing a mask and acting fine.
Beating myself up.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough or worth to fight for.
She dropped her bag in shock as she opened the door. Their stood the man she once loved and promised to fight for. He gazed at her like he always does, his eyes dazzling with love.
She could see that he was broken.
He sighed as he walked towards her.
Does it feel like magic when he touches you? He asked. Do his lips test like heaven when they collide with yours? He caressed her face as tears slowly slid down her chicks.
His heart ached as he tried to swallow his words.
Has he promised you the moon? When he wraps his arms around you, does time stop and make your butterflies go ecstatic in your tummy? Does your heart rush when you see him? Do you get excited when you think of seeing him again?
I’m sorry I couldn’t fulfill my promises but I am not sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for not being the man I said I will be for you. I hope he treats you better than I ever did.
He wiped her tears and held her as tight as he could and she could feel his heart beat and its broken cry.
I will always love you he said, as he walked out of the door.
The stench of iron covers my shaking hands.
For as much as I wash my hands,
I still see and smell the blood on them in my nightmares.
I watch myself patching up my heart with cotton and needles,
Holding back leaking feelings and emotions.
For as my heart gets bigger,
It loves and opens more.
But the weight of a big heart is too heavy for me to carry.