We all need a hand

Sometimes the pain fades away

And sometimes it builds up

You pretend to be numb

But when the world sleeps

You turn off the lights and lock your door

Lay down on your bed or floor

Tears run down your cheeks

As you hold back mourns from gushing out of your mouth

Your heart hurts and you wonder how you never have a seizure

Some of you fight of a panic attack

It is too much to get other people engaged

You comfort yourself by saying it is your battle

And sometimes

Someone is seated outside your locked door

They do not know how to help

But they seat there hoping that one night

You will let them in

They wait for a day you will mourn in their arms

And the darkness won’t be so dark anymore

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Once upon a birthday…

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He smiled as he watched her dance.
Her childish nature completed his and he loved it.
She was going to be as old as he was and that excited her.
He waited for her moment to pass and walked towards her.
He wished her a happy birthday then sung for her and she loved it.
He kissed her forehead and held her tightly.
In that moment their silence spoke volumes.
As he held her tight
Her body drew itself closer to his
Their hearts beat in harmony and you could tell, that their young uncharted love was one people desired and wished for.

STRANGERS

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Sweet was her character and personality

And her presence was captivating and charming.

Seconds turning into minutes and minutes into hours

as her voice turned into sweet melodies.

Her presence gave me peace,

A place to belong.

She became home and more addictive than nicotine.

Her smile broke walls around my heart and fluttered my butterflies

Leaving me wanting more.

She was my escape from my world and she broke down my masks,

Making my demons scream and calming ravaging thoughts.

Oh, how I feel fast,

Leaving holes to fill and scars to tend.

I gaze at my phone hoping it’s a text or phone call

saying I want as much as you wanted me.

I yearn for her presence yet fear losing my mind when its all done.

Scars remain fresh,

Making them bleed again as we walk past with no words uttered.

Fearing eye contact and questions like how are you

While deep down tearing up again; wearing a mask and acting fine.

Beating myself up.

Maybe I wasn’t good enough or worth to fight for.

walking away

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She dropped her bag in shock as she opened the door. Their stood the man she once loved and promised to fight for. He gazed at her like he always does, his eyes dazzling with love.

She could see that he was broken.

He sighed as he walked towards her.

Does it feel like magic when he touches you? He asked. Do his lips test like heaven when they collide with yours? He caressed her face as tears slowly slid down her chicks.

His heart ached as he tried to swallow his words.

Has he promised you the moon? When he wraps his arms around you, does time stop and make your butterflies go ecstatic in your tummy? Does your heart rush when you see him? Do you get excited when you think of seeing him again?

I’m sorry I couldn’t fulfill my promises but I am not sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for not being the man I said I will be for you. I hope he treats you better than I ever did.

He wiped her tears and held her as tight as he could and she could feel his heart beat and its broken cry.

I will always love you he said, as he walked out of the door.

#catching feelings

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He wants to be saved

From what, he does not know.

He wants to be filled and to be made whole.

He tires from being a wanderer.

Searching for peace he cannot hold.

But her eyes, smile and touch calm him.

He feels differently around her.

Intoxicated by her presence

Leaving nicotine and anti-depressants powerless.

He sees how he is drawn to her and he loves it.

She calms his demons and dresses him in laughter and joy.

But he fears to take it any further.

For emotionally she builds up his humanity

And he fears she will attain the power to break him.

Memoirs

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From 5pm to 2am I played the same song over and over. Laying on my mattress in the dark trying to collect my thoughts and sleep. My thoughts were that I am not a Christian, I am just someone who knows about Christianity and the deity. Trying to be like the legendary Jesus. I know I will never be perfect because some of us are just not curable. But I pray by his grace he will overlook some things I do unlike human hearts and human laws.

My mind and thoughts are not of a healthy kind; what amuses me will disgust you and make you think I am inhuman. I have no excuse for who I am or what I do.

After 2am I stopped the song from playing, Horns by Bryce Fox (loving this song). My mind like tsunami flooded my mind away. I no longer fight my hungry taunting beast that loves eating through my brain, I am now on its side.

Thoughts of my sweet mum dying raced through my mind. Her husband who I have grown up fearing or respecting (which ever you dim fit to use), don’t get me wrong I like the guy but I would pull out his life support to charge my phone. I hope he lives long enough for karma to catch up. See why I am just a guy who is not a Christian but tries to save Jesus.

I thought of why mum never left to find a new husband. Maybe it was because of her kids. Sometimes I do not jump of a building or in front of a truck because I need to buy her a Maybach Benz and find her a new husband. Then I can die in a car accident somewhere and it wouldn’t be my fault. I mean, I did not kill myself *wink wink*, the tire just exploded while I was hitting 220km/h.

I am actually laughing at that idea, somehow it makes me happy. I thought of the prayers I pray and if I am that annoying child God loves but hides from. Or maybe my guardian angel is an alcoholic. Maybe he smokes a lot, those shooting stars might be his unfinished cigarettes as God walks in on him.

I thought of why I continue smiling when it drains me. If I was not working, I would be enjoying this depression. I mean, I love my job because I have people watching over me through the day. But her depression-ness comes out in her royal gown to flip my mind up when all is dark and hidden from light. Except of late, it fucks me up during the day too. Jonathan language *wink wink*.

I thought a lot of death, the numbness. The beauty of not feeling things. I will not be emotionally attached to people. My mind will be calm and peaceful. Karma won’t be anywhere to see me and life’s battles won’t be there anymore.

I thought of God and the devil paying chase and mankind where the pieces. The kings, queens, bishops, knights and rocks where the wealthy society. The rich and wealth and those well to do. And not forgetting the pawns, people like myself fighting to get to the other side of the board to become a king too.

I won’t talk about my other thoughts for now. Pray to your gods and idols and when you can prove that they created the universe and the bible is false, I will still try save Jesus.

*wink wink*