It is alright
I do not like myself either.
This body is uncomfortable.
My mind is paranoid.
Allow me to express how I really feel,
And I would disappear for weeks.
Hopefully to another world with no living creatures.
Living is exhausting and breathing wears me out.
90% of my my energy is spent on thinking.
Nothing too mild but it is not positive.
Living for someone is excruciating.
You always want them to be happy.
I wonder when I will be able to live for me.
I pray to close my eyes and never to awake.
Be happy. Say something. Are you okay?
I often hear these words.
If I was comfortable around you I would break down and cry
but I am not.
So “FINE” slips out my tongue like muscle memory.
I am slowly hating everything around me.
That drive or excitement is dead.
Now, all I do is try to find something colorful to feed my soul.
Though I do love the rain.
I hate my phone.
It spikes my anxiety and paranoia heavily.
Most phone calls seem to be filled with what I did wrong.
My heart explodes a little when it rings.
I am unhappy because I cannot help people around me.
They run to me looking for help.
That means a lot too me, yet failing to help them depresses me more.
I will not read this.
I thought blurting it out would help
but it has made things a bit worse.
I feel dead and dark.
Hopefully someone will like me this way.
Why is everyone so happy?
Why can I not be like them?
Oh, you want to say it is easy.
It is a matter of a mind set change.
Well I am gray and I want to cry almost every time.
Wait, you also think I choose to feel this way.
But it is fine.
We all walk different paths.
I should end hear.
I am a very unhappy child.
So unprepared for grown up life.
But here I am, 22 years of age.
And my life makes me sick.
Everyone seems to have a plan.
I die at 25.
Beautiful plan right?